After more than a month of being a comatose couch potato, I suppose it's time for me to launch into some cathartic rant about what I hate most about nearly every show I've watched on TV since November.
1. 911 calls
When you watch some thriller/slasher movie with the deranged serial killer and the frightened, fleeing victim in the chase scene, the latter manages to gain a few seconds respite to call up the authorities for help. The phone rings for a painfully slow thirty seconds before the operator/police dispatch officer picks up and coolly says, "911 emergency. Please hold."
What? Did I hear that right?
This makes the show look inane in so many ways unimaginable because since when do you need to hold for EMERGENCY lines? If it's an emergency number, it doesn't make any sense for the operator to put you on hold! So connecting someone's pizza order takes more priority over an emergency situation? I don't think so.
2. Laugh Tracks
This is another reason why I hate the Disney Channel so much. The character on the show says something as mediocre as "I hate school" and the "synthetic audience" laughs as if they just heard the funniest joke in the world.
The probable concept behind laugh tracks is that laughter is contagious. So, artificial laughter should work as well, right? Not when you turn it on at everything the actors say or do; it becomes downright annoying. Come on, it's that simple: If they get the joke and laugh at home then good, if they don't get your feeble attempt at humour then never mind, there are still more lame jokes to come. Why import canned laughter?
3. Awful advertisements
I thought advertisements were supposed to make viewers want to buy their product, not swear off it forever. I cannot stand, at all, ads for toothpaste. Yes, I'm looking at you, Colgate. I'll bet every one reading this has seen the ad for Colgate Total, and have rolled their eyes or hit the mute button immediately. Everything about that advertisement is terrible: From the start with a dentist on the street with nothing better to do, a machine that detects bacteria and displays it on a screen down to their exaggerated intonations of surprise and marvel. Wow, it really works! This sounds soo fake!
Continuously repeating advertisements also become more and more annoying every time you hear them. The Heineken one has been playing for months; it's high time they thought of another witty idea because the old one is getting plain irritating to watch. (I admit it was novel when it first came out, but seriously, the idea of men freaking out over something is becoming less and less of a societal taboo.)
4. Promotions
You know a show is going to suck when weeks before the premier they try to pull off some 'watch-and-win' stunt. So, if I watch your show and spot the super-secret code word, I get a free vacation/car/camera/(insert expensive prize here)?
Come on. Don't you think people have better things to do? This cannot and will not boost viewership or ratings; it is not indicative of anything else but the fact that the show is going to bomb within a few weeks of airing.
5. I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!
First of all, no, you're not. Second, there's the door.
6. So You Think You Can Dance?
No.
Okay, but I hate shows like this because they're either really good or no good at all; it's easy to see who has the most talent, but you know they'll probably never win. This is also a pretty good rule-of-thumb to apply to other certain related shows...(cough, cough, Idol, cough)
7. TV movies
See Disney Channel Original Movies. They always manage to churn out movie after movie after movie that all usually have the same set of cheesy morals and underlying meanings; it doesn't really take much brainpower to think up histrionic, cliched, overdone story lines.
.
Looks like the catharsis ended. All right, maybe more will be up as I go and vegetate some more in front of the television.